


Misery's Poisonous Claws

by neonmoonlight



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depressed Louis, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Please read with caution, this was written in one night when i was feeling Yikes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-09
Updated: 2016-06-09
Packaged: 2018-07-14 02:39:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7149368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/neonmoonlight/pseuds/neonmoonlight
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>    Sometimes Louis won't even get out of bed. He'll just lay and stare at the wall for hours, completely numb to everything and hearing mostly static. He knows his boys come and talk to him but he can't hear them very well, it's almost as if they're talking to him through cups on string.  Those days are the ones Louis hates the most. </p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>    The one thing Louis can say though is that he's trying his hardest to get better, and that's all that really matters.</p>
<p>
  <em></em>
</p>
<p>or the one where I don't know how to deal with anything so I project onto Louis and write about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Misery's Poisonous Claws

**Author's Note:**

> **READ WITH CAUTION THIS STORY CONTAINS REFERENCES TO SELF HARM AND A SUICIDE ATTEMPT THAT HAPPENED OFF SCREEN.**
> 
> Song title is from Emotional Anorexic by Svavar Knútur.

Looking around him, Louis wasn't sure why he was alive. He was sat in his comfy chair in the corner of the living room next to the window, watching his boys entertain the guests they have over for the small get together. Every so often Louis would nod and laugh as was appropriate but for the most part he felt numb. He wasn't sure why he was alive. 

Resting his head on his knee, Louis watched the rain make patterns on the window, tuning out the conversations going on in the rest of the room and the soft music that was playing. Sometimes Louis felt jealous of the rain, watching it hit the glass and roll down, disappearing. Louis wanted to disappear sometimes. Sighing quietly, he looked down at his sleeves, fiddling with the ends of them and caught up in his thoughts. He knows that his boys worry about him almost constantly and that they check on him when he gets bad and make sure he's keeping up with basic health- despite how much he doesn't want to eat anything, he's still made to- and isn't spending all day in his bed even if it means him spending all day in his chair with his blanket wrapped around him and staring out the window for hours. 

After a few more minutes, Liam came over to where Louis was and kissed his forehead softly, letting him know it's time for him to go to bed. Louis nodded slightly and got up off his chair, blanket wrapped around his shoulder as he walked back to the bedroom he shared with his four boyfriends. Waving at everyone in the living room, he disappeared down the hallway and into the bedroom and collapsed on the bed and curling up under his blanket. Liam- who followed him to the bedroom- pulled the blanket up over Louis and kissed his forehead softly. He stayed with Louis for a few moments, sitting on the bed and tracing patterns on Louis' back through the blankets before getting up and going back out to the living room. 

One of the things the doctors suggested after Louis was released was to have a schedule for him so he has structure or something. Part of the schedule was a set bedtime for Louis no matter what the circumstances. The doctors also suggested that Louis shouldn't be trusted by himself for a few months until he shows signs of improving or the meds show signs of them working. The doctors seemed to know what they were talking about, so maybe Louis shouldn't be trusted by himself. 

He still doesn't know why he's alive. 

\-- 

Zayn was the one to find the note that Louis wrote explaining everything and apologizing. Louis shoved in the back of the bottom drawer of the desk when he woke up the next morning. Zayn was cleaning when he came across it, crumpled up and forgotten. After reading it he called the boys crying and told them to come home immediately. When Louis got home, he saw them all sitting in the living room with his note on the coffee table. From there he was admitted to a hospital where he spent a month or so in recovery. 

The doctors there were nice enough and shoes weren't really a requirement as long as you were wearing the grippy socks. Louis went about his days only half there, quietly doing as the doctors asked. He barely participated in group therapy and spent free time to himself in a chair in the corner by the window, looking outside. He was a model patient for obedience alone. 

One boy visited him a day and told how things were going and even brought him food, even though he never ate it. They were just slightly louder buzzes in the static that was Louis' mind at the time. 

He was released with a prescription to some anti-depressant that he didn't feel like remembering and orders to not be left alone and to have a schedule. 

\-- 

Some days were better than others. Some days Louis felt like doing something and seize the day. These days were few and far between, but Louis held them close to his heart. Today was one of those days. 

Harry, Liam and Zayn had to work for the first half of the day so Louis and Niall went downtown and just wandered around, enjoying the nice weather. Niall had his camera and Louis had his moleskine journal that was used for happy poems only. At the moment the two of them were sitting along the creek across from the local art gallery. Niall was snapping photos while Louis doodled in his journal, waiting for inspiration to hit him. 

Zayn and the other two showed up a half hour later, sitting down around Louis, cuddling him close. Louis giggled softly as his boys pressed kisses to his face. They stayed on the grass overlooking the river for a while, just talking and watching the clouds in the sky and ducks on the creek. For the first time in a few weeks, Louis was genuinely happy. 

\--

Sometimes Louis sits in his beanbag in the corner of the bedroom, counting the scars on his arms and stomach and thighs. At least, the ones he can see because a lot of them have healed over and didn't scar. One of the boys always find him when he's counting them and cuddle him for a bit, acting as a grounding weight and a reminder that he's loved and he has people to fall back on. 

Sometimes Louis won't even get out of bed. He'll just lay and stare at the wall for hours, completely numb to everything and hearing mostly static. He knows his boys come and talk to him but he can't hear them very well, it's almost as if they're talking to him through cups on string. Those days are the ones Louis hates the most. 

The one thing Louis can say though is that he's trying his hardest to get better, and that's all that really matters.

**Author's Note:**

> Please please please please take care of yourself if you feel depressed. Remember that I love you no matter what and other people love you as well.
> 
> kudos and comments are appreciated.   
> [ tumblr ](stardustlouie.tumblr.com)


End file.
